when your anxious attachment style becomes debilitating...
how to not center your self worth around other's perception of you.
A few weeks ago, I got broken up with.
Which is fine, these things happen to everyone, being dumped is literally the one thing all humans can relate to at one point in their dating lives.
What is not fine, though, is the intense inner rage that occurs inside my psyche. The stalking, the obsessing, the ruminating, all of the things that were honestly absent from the relationship until he decided to cut ties with me.
I have had the same adverse reaction from being dumped ever since I was 15 years old. All sense of my self worth is temporarily lost. I convince myself that they want me dead. All of this is said regardless of how the ex actually treated me, if they were good to me, or if this was ultimately a bullet I had dodged. They could be the worst person in the world to date (my sophomore year of college I dated a gym-bro who told me I was in one of the “good” sororities and that he hoped to have a stay at home wife in the future) and I will still go ballistic once I forget they exist within the physical realm.
Now, I have broken up with people before, and felt terribly, but the few times I have been the one to end things, I feel like I coped with my emotions in a healthy manner. Something about someone breaking up with me though, is so earth-shattering and unforgettable, that all rational senses are lost.
I become this filthy shell of a human who deliberately waits by the phone to see if they apologize. They never do. Probably because what they did was not inhumane, it just did not work out.
I also set very high standards when considering if I want to date the person or not (even though, example A above, those standards tend to get lost in the abyss), so when I have decided those standards are met, I fully latch onto this person. They are now my person. And this is anxious attachment.
Referring to myself as an anxiously attached person makes me feel like a human doormat, but I still try my hardest to accept this definition and how it relates to me. However, coming to terms with this definition and all of its associations is the first step to heal this part of me. I am more than a shell of a human, even if someone does not see I future with me, my self worth is not lost. I am stronger than someone’s distaste in me.
I know where this anxious attachment style stems from. It dates back to elementary school, my extreme social anxiety paired with my affinity for horses (lol) made me the perfect target to be bullied. I look back on this period as “character development”, yet fail to acknowledge the psychological implications have manifested within me and are still present today.
Ever since my “bullied era” I have made sure to be aware of my projections, to always include everyone, and to notice if there is anything better I could be doing within any given situation. This goes for both friendships and romantic relationships, the romantic ones are my biggest struggle, though. It is when I believe I have perfected the “girlfriend role” that things start to go awry within my relationship. This is the exact moment when I start to crumble. I begin to notice their avoidance, so I, too avoid so it is not obvious that I am freaking out inside.
When I finally ask them what is wrong and the truth is told, all hell breaks loose. I spent the last “x” amount of months/ years trying to be the best version of myself, the best girlfriend for you, and I am met with this?!?! I feel like I have lost the game. Yet, it is not a game, they probably were not secretly bullying me the entire time, being broken up with does not mean I am losing.
I need to change this losing narrative of mine around, or else I am trajecting towards a path of continuous failed relationships and increased mental instability. Sure, it is completely normal to be more sad than usual after a breakup, but I am fully aware that my reactions are not normal, even though a lot of people can relate to them as well.
I always tell myself that it is time to focus on me after the end to a relationship, and then a few months later I find myself within a different one. I truly want to trust myself this time, I want to figure this attachment style of mine out, I want to understand that I am and will be okay, regardless of how hurt I was.
I want there to be an end to the obsessing, the anxiously pacing, the incessantly checking their social media. I am fine and capable without a previous lover by my side.
I hope this can resonate with someone else out there, romantic relationships are tumultuous, but every heartbreak allows you to learn a bit more about yourself amid all the crazy, uncertain happenings. Time to break this vicious cycle.